Vending

I was at a mall last Saturday, and my friend, Justin, was telling me that there is a way to manipulate vending machines and make them bend to your will. The key is, as he told me and I shall now pass this wisdom unto you, to press 4 buttons at the same time, or another set of numbers DIRECTLY after the first set. You have about 1.5 seconds to press another set of buttons. For example, if you wanna get say, Orange Soda, and the number set is A-6, but you’d also like to have Canada Dry, which is C-7, all you have to do is set up your fingers at the right positions. Press A-6, then within 1.5 seconds, with your set up fingers, hit C-7 and you shall receive two sodas for the price of one.

I don’t like hotel vending machines though. Every time I’m at a hotel vending machine, they always have the same sh*t at 10 at night. It’s always Diet Dr. Pibb, Shasta, and Canada Tonic Water. It’s stuff that nobody really wants, and that’s why it’s still in there. There’s also vending machines at schools, or at least there still is. This one makes me laugh.

They took all the vending machines out of schools because of a national health scare issue, where kids were getting too obese, or would drink a lot of soda or energy drinks and then crash during class. They also stopped selling candy for this particular reason. This makes me laugh. THIS is what the schools are worried about. Not the fact that in just about every bathroom, there’s some guy receiving a blowjob.
“THE STUDENTS ARE SEXUALLY ACTIVE, AND YES STDS ARE DANGEROUS! BUT WHO HAS TIME TO WORRY ABOUT HIV, WE’VE GOT A FAT ISSUE TO DEAL WITH!”
You wanna keep the kids from having sex? KEEP the vending machines. I’m not sure if fat people can have sex. Can they? Or do they just roll and wobble around the bed for a few minutes until one of them gets tired, one of them gets hungry, and they both decide to eat a possum on a stick and watch Larry King.

You can worry about the kids being a little chunky, or you can worry about kids coming onto campus with guns.

I’m just sayin’.

M@RK