On Hold

I’m home alone, on the phone with my girlfriend (speakerphone) and I decided to order dinner in. I began looking through the phonebook for chinese food, because every trendy, hip person eats cheap chinese food on a friday night. Don’t judge me fuckers. Unfortunately, due to lack of support from parents-which I’ve heard is common among children-and due to my sense of direction going awall, I was unable to find a place in the phonebook to order from. Seriously, I am directionally retarded. They say some people can’t find they way out of a paper bag, and some people can’t find their way INTO the paper bag. I can’t even FIND THE FUCKIN’ PAPER BAG.

So instead, I decided to order pizza. I found a cheap pizza place (the one I generally order from, although after this ordeal, that may be re-determined) and I got on the line with a man who asked me what I wanted. I began to order, and we went through the usual routine of giving the address, phone number and all that jazz. Then, halfway through ordering, he asks if he can put me ON HOLD. Yeah, he puts me ON HOLD…WHILE I’M ORDERING FOOD. I began to think that perhaps there we many other times being put on hold could come in useful, or just be plain not right. Some of the times I found that could be useful are say you go on a date. She had a good time, but you did not, and she says that she would call you the next day. You answer, forgetting she’s calling, and are immediately dragged into an akward, obnoxious conversation to a person you have generally no interest in, whatsoever. She begins to ask when you guys can go out again. THIS is the appropriate time (to me) to use the “hold” technique. Tell her your mother is in the hospital (and if she isn’t, then make sure if you’re going to use this excuse, to push your mother down a flight of stairs the day before), so that you can then say that the hospital is calling and she needs to be put on hold. She won’t argue with it, because that would mean she doesn’t care about your mothers health, and that deems her an unworthy potential canidate for dating. This is the right time.

THE WRONG TIME to use this technique would have to be somewhere along the lines of the following example. You are sleeping at home. Suddenly, you awake to find your house being robbed. While the first robber is holding your wife hostage, and the second is raping your daughter, your rush to the phone. As you dial the police, they put you on hold. They put you on hold because some bitch’s cat is stuck in a tree. Apparently, people value animal lives more than humans lives. So you’re on hold. Your house-JUST FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUMENT-suddenly bursts into flames. So you call the fire department, who unfortunately, are busy cutting down the tree the cat is in to help the police. Anytime that your life could be put in danger and someone puts you on hold, that’s wrong. Here is the following list I’ve compiled of people who should never put you on hold:

1. Police
2. Firefighters
3. A hospital
4. Restaurants

Any kind of place that provides a service, or helps you in ANY WAY, is immediately put onto the list.Putting people on hold is a stupid idea, it should be eliminated, and-shit hang on, I gotta go answer the phone.

m@rk