The Way Shit Fucking Is

It’s Friday, I’ve bullshitted my way through another week, so let’s get down to business and brass tacks. I am going to do something that most Americans won’t ever do. Be HONEST to you. Here we go.

Life sucks. Get fucking used to it. Don’t be a little whiny emo bitch early in life, as a FAD, save it for later when things ACTUALLY get worse, because they WILL. You can smoke and drink and do whatever you want, because they say that if you stop, it will save you the last 10 years of your life. Who wants those ones? The adult diaper years, fuck that shit. What else is enraging me today? Hmmmm….oh yes, people who refuse to believe what you tell them about themselves is true. People who are excessively happy, uppity, peppy and in a cheerful mood. FUCK YOU STABLE PERSON. Your parents will tell you not to drink and drive, then later on you will find out you were conceived in the backseat of a convertable and your father didn’t use protection because of all the beer he had that night. Put your seatbelts on kids, we’ve only just started this little ride. “Friends” who dump all their shit on you, but then are CONVENIENTLY never around when YOU need someone to talk to. Teachers who complain about having to grade the fucking work they assign. Subs who think they can the classroom.  Parents who say, “You’re the older child, set a better example!” Why don’t YOU mom, YOU’RE THE FUCKING ADULT! Girls who end up falling for assholes who will only hurt them, when the nice guys stand there and try and talk them through it, knowing they’re better but can’t say anything for fear of looking jealous and desperate. PEOPLE YOU LOVE WHO FUCKING DIE ON YOU. Shopping malls that refuse to fix THE GOD DAMN PAYPHONES!!! Not EVERYONE has a cell-phone, asshole. Teenagers who think they’re invincible. People who claim they’re indie, but aren’t, because indie people don’t CALL themselves indie, dumbshit. The fact that your social status is directly affected by either how you look, the amount of friends you have, or how much money you obtain. People who complain that they hate people who complain too much. Ex-girlfriends who date another girl after dumping you, completely destroying your masculinity. Girls who believe that makeup helps, it doesn’t, real beauty is natural beauty! You never see a tree putting on a dress!!! People who assume that, while they’re driving, everyone else on the roads wants or needs to listen to the music THEY are listening to. The fact that the past can fuck you up so much, that the mere thought of the future scares the shit out of you. Weather, and the fact that even in FUCKING NOVEMBER it can’t decide if it should be hot or cold outside. Fuck you weather, you bipolar bitch. And finally, the fact that I probably just burned through about 47 topics in one paragraph that I could have milked for that many more entries. 

I’m sure I could go on, but I have to go find a bunch more shit to get pissed off at. Also, you have to admit that’s probably the best blog post title you’ve EVER seen.

m@rk

M.

I found out a way to bypass a school’s server that blocks websites. And it’s WITHOUT using a proxy. ANDDDD it was by ACCIDENT! So if you go to a school and wanna get onto sites such as Myspace of Facebook (which if you HAVE facebook, look me up and friend me, we’ll chillax all up in that bitch), or have a blocked server at work, open your ears and listen, because this is a good piece of news.

I found out today while trying to access Twitter-which I’m not even sure why it’s blocked. It’s another sort of social networking site, but all you type is what you’re doing at that moment, things like, “I’m here, come have a drink with me” or whatever. So unless you type something like, “I’m molesting my daughter, come join me”, I’m pretty sure the website is school appropriate. Anyway, I was trying to access it, so I went to Google. Sometimes, by searching on google, you can bypass the block all together, and I don’t know why, but you can. As I scrolled down the list of available sites, it brought me to one that said: http://m.twitter.com which seemed very curious. Upon clicking it, it took me to a virtually stripped down version of the page. I then tried it with Facebook, and Myspace, and they all worked.

Well, turns out that the M. stands for Mobile. Apparently, nobody has blocked the Mobile access sites. So I now pass this onto you, my fellow minions. Go and bypass blockers to your hearts content. But if you get caught and try and blame it on me, I swear I will deny it up and down. And sideways. And then somewhat diagonally.

Look, just don’t blame me so we don’t get confused here.

m@rk

Drunk Loophole

So I’ve recently learned from someone I know-who occasionally has a few glasses of wine-that wine helps you. She told me that it extends your life if you have a glass of wine with dinner. This is pretty decent information, it’s also a drunk loophole. Alcoholics (I know because my father is one) love to put the blame on the beer. 

“Maybe if it wasn’t so delicious, I wouldn’t be addicted to it!”

That’s why the first step of AA is admitting you have a “problem”. So it’s bad enough that they can’t even admit it’s their own fault at first, but to give them something like this just seems downright stupid. Because now they can just say, “I’m not an alcoholic, I’m just trying to lengthen my lifespan.” I’d say the real best thing to do is to go back to prohibition (which-for the general public who are confused by big words-is something you should look up), but then if we took away all alcohol, nobody would ever get together and have children ever again. Because half the time children’s existance, and I guarantee this, come from parents having just a little too much wine with dinner.

Isn’t it sad to think that you wouldn’t be here without bourbon?

m@rk

Answering Machines

So, I call people every so often, and when they’re not answering-as much people’s phones do-a machine picks up the call for them. And I’ve noticed that every answering machine, ends up having about the same message:

“You’ve reached Jim Smith, I’m sorry I couldn’t get to the phone, but please leave your name, number, and I’ll get back to you.”

Ok, first of all, we haven’t reached Jim Smith. We’ve reached Jim Smith’s ANSWERING MACHINE. If we’ve reached Jim Smith….HE’D BE FUCKING ANSWERING HIS PHONE AND WE’D BE TALKING TO HIM! Secondly, don’t apologize about not being able to come to the phone, it’s not as if we’re disappointed, most of us are pretty much glad we don’t have to talk on the phone anyhow, and would more than likely rather speak to a machine than to your face. Thirdly, I’m pretty sure we can take out the whole “leave your name” speech at this point. Come on people, it’s been like, what? A few hundred years now? I’m pretty sure we know what to do at this point.

Make your answering machine something awesome, something like, like George Costanza’s from “Seinfeld” or just something cool in general. Or make it something funny, say like, “See, I don’t you like too much to answer the phone, so I installed this computer to make it seem like I care. Thanks for calling! Leave your message after the click.”

Then make it so all they hear is a dialtone ’cause it hung up.

Answering machines are stupid.

m@rk

Social Suicide

I’m not sure if this has ever come across as clear in my entries, but I am extremely suicidal at moments, and was very close to taking my life between the months of may-august of this year. I recently got told by somebody that being suicidal is cruel, because suicide is wrong. And for once it wasn’t because of religion, it was because “suicide hurts the people you love, why should they be in pain?”

Okay. So wait, they’re not allowed it be in pain, but I AM? The fuck’s THAT about? I can’t kill myself because they’d be unhappy and miserable, so for them to stay happy, I have to remain unhappy and miserable? Yeah, ’cause THAT’S balanced. Suicide seems to me a good idea actually. It seems easier to just run away from your problems rather than facing them, which is something most Americans like to do anyway, right? So what’s the big frickin’ deal? I’ll tell you what it is, it’s not people being in pain, it’s not making things easier, it’s a status thing, and lemme explain.

When you have a family, and you live in the neighborhood, everything one person in that family does, represents them. So say, if the children go to school, they represent their family to their classmates, the parents at work, and so on. So when a daughter comes out as a lesbian, or a son kills himself, it makes the family look bad, which makes their social status drop, which makes them not as good looking in their neighborhood. It all boils down to social status. High school never fucking ends.

Besides, in the words of the great Scott Adams (my inspiration for this entire blog): “One day in the future it will be illegal for attempting to kill yourself, and the penalty for doing so will be death.”

m@rk