I’m having a mid life crisis at 19.
I just don’t care about much anymore. About ANYTHING. I just keep waking up and asking myself, “How can this get WORSE?” and doing things that only seem to aggravate those around me, at least, the ones I haven’t alienated yet with the things I’m doing that aggravate them. I understand why guys have mid life crisis’s, and I think that because I’m having mine NOW, that if it doesn’t kill me first, I will be happy once it’s done. But that’s unlikely. Nobody’s ever TRULY happy. Happiness comes in little bits, maybe hearing a song you love, or seeing an old TV show you remember adoring as a child. But rarely does happiness ever stay more than a half hour or so. This is all dangerous territory. I’m hating myself for every decision I make, and hating myself for hating myself, so nothing is really even.
I’m not sure what’s going to happen in the end, will it all go away? I don’t know. I don’t know anything, and that’s probably the way it SHOULD be. Guys do stupid things in mid life crisis’s, like push away the people they love, buy new sports cars and all sorts of dumb things. I’ve been pushing away most people as well, but since I don’t drive and have no cash, I guess buying a sports car is out of the question. I’ll just buy a hot wheel. I wake up everyday wondering “why?”. Not even anything after “why”, just “Why?” in general. If I do anything during the day (write, make a video, whatever), does it have any effect on anyone today or will it EVER? Would anyone care if I DIDN’T update anything online? I don’t know. I seem to think I’m so popular and that I have tons of adoring fans and that my life is perfect but none of it is really true. Or if it IS, then WHY? Why would I be the popular one with adoring fans and a perfect life?…
Like I said, I’m having a mid life crisis at 19.
m@rk
