Suicide Notes

The great thing about life is that it’s temporary.

The saddest thing about writing a suicide note is that it’s like a haiku. It has to be written a certain way. It has to be along the lines of, “Please forgive me, but I just can’t go on. It’s all too much to go on with, and I just can’t take it anymore.” If you stray from that set template of a suicide note then you are considered an asshole. I want to write a suicide note. Just to see how fun it could be.

Something like, “I killed myself, not because I’m depressed but because of YOU people. YOU people are what drove me to this, and I hope you’re FUCKING happy. By the way, I never loved any of you.”

Something to THAT extent. But see the problem with ME is that I’m a writer, so I could never end my note. I’d keep re-writing it, trying to get it just right. Eventually it’d turn into a whole novel and I’d have a reason to live. The other thing about suicide notes is that it’s hard to come up with something original. It’s always the same bullshit, “Boo hoo, I can’t go on, I’m SOOO sad.” Give me a break, give me something new, something fresh, something original.
You REALLY wanna fuck with people? Write a BACKWARDS note. Write it with a DIFFERENT perspective.

Something like, “I love you people SO much! I love the sunshine, and bunnies and chocolate! I am so happy and smiling!”

Give me THAT sorta suicide note. That can totally fuck with people. They will NEVER know why you committed suicide. You’re dead, but there’s a note like THAT. Talk about a mindfuck.

As Hobbes said so casually, “It’s not the pace of life I mind, as much as it is the abrupt stop at the end.”

m@rk

May I Swear?

I swear a LOT.

And because of that problem, it’s hard for me to meet new people. Not because I’m shy, antisocial and a complete shut-in/recluse. No, because when you meet someone new, or even their friends or relatives or whatever, you NEVER know if you can swear in front of them. Everyone comes from a different background, so if you meet with a family who grew up in a conservative christian home and you swear in front of them, they may be shocked and offended, having not been used to hearing that type of language before. It’s fun to swear when you’re not supposed to though, isn’t it? Especially when you’re a kid, you will find ANY way to slip a curse word into the conversation, even if it’s with using an actual term. Like, on a long car ride you pass by a stable, see a donkey and say, “Hey! There’s an ASS!”

The problem with swearing is that it’s not MY fault I do it. In fact it’s everyone’s fault BUT mine. The thing I realized last year was that the more you’re around people who swear, you realize you start swearing a lot more as well. I think this is where all these kids who swear come from. They come from homes where they hear it from their parents-possibly-and then use said word and get scolded. Then they learn about double standards. 12. 12 is the age you should start growing up. That sounds about right. That’s when I think you should start questioning everything, thinking about the other sex or the SAME sex, and learn about more adult/mature themes.

The real problem with swearing is that if you start to early, it starts to become a crutch as you get older and your vocabulary turns to shit.

m@rk

Subconscious

My subconscious is an ASSHOLE.

When I dream, I always have the most amazing dreams. Stuff I could NEVER do otherwise. Flying, buying stuff I don’t have the money for, moving out and getting my own place with my girlfriend. Then I wake up and realize that none of it happened. It’s basically my subconscious teasing me, saying, “Nah nah nah! Lookit what YOU can’t do!” Your subconscious is also an asshole ’cause they’ll also give you NIGHTMARES. It’s not bad enough that they have to show you things you can’t do and make you feel bad about it, or insecure about yourself, but now they’re going to scare the SHIT out of you. Thanks subconscious.

Your subconscious really is a jerk. It really can make you be scared or have fun, but it’s all things that’ll never happen. That’s the problem with your subconscious. The other problem is of course that it’ll keep memories you despise hidden deep in itself. Say you are a girl, and you were raped. But then a few years down the road, you get married. Your subconscious will ALWAYS bring up your despised memories at THE MOST inappropriate fuckin’ times. Like on your wedding night when you’re in the middle of the sex with your new husband, your subconscious will be a fuckin’ BUTTHOLE, and decide, “Hey! This is the PERFECT time to unearth those haunting memories!”

Your subconscious is just about the biggest asshole I’ve ever met. And you can’t stop it from torturing you, because it has you by the balls in that way as well. The only way to get your subconscious to stop torturing you, is for you to SHOOT yourself in the HEAD.

You’re fucked.

m@rk

Tears, Vomit & Orgasms

According to a scientist, people can get off on vomiting and crying.

One woman specifically stated that she could have multiple orgasms just by thinking and visualizing another person vomiting, and another one said she’d have multiple orgasms WHILE vomiting. A man stated that he’d came while crying. The reason is because of endomorphins. When you have an orgasm, you release brain chemicals known as endomorphins, and that’s what makes you feel good and relaxed afterwards. But these two forms of releasing said endomorphins is just a bit…odd, don’t you think? I’ve seen porn where the woman is crying during it, and it actually seems as if she’s enjoying it more, possibly because she’s getting more pleasure because she’s receiving both, and not just one, form of sexual energy.

I’m just wondering what the appeal of vomiting is? I mean, the crying I can see. To some men, they want to feel in control during sex and if a woman cries and feels helpless, it makes the man feel like he’s in charge and I’m not going to lie, I’ve asked my girlfriend to cry for me during. But it’s the vomiting one I want to focus on. I wonder if this is what’s going to become the natural way to masturbate as time goes on. Some teenage girl gets up and goes into the bathroom, sticks her fingers down her throat and throws up, screaming, “OOOOhhhh YEEAAAaaahhh!!!!” And of course, we’ll need a new term for it.

Necking.

A lot of the information I’ve gotten about sex has actually come from LAW AND ORDER: SPECIAL VICTIMS UNIT which has introduced middle America to a lot of sex acts it was probably blissfully unaware of.

m@rk

Pope

Apparently, according to the Pope, he believes that condoms do not help in the AIDS fight in Africa.
So everyone, the Pope has spoken, we can all throw away our condoms! Here’s actually what he had to say:

Benedict had never directly addressed condom use. He has said that the Roman Catholic Church is in the forefront of the battle against AIDS. The Vatican encourages sexual abstinence to fight the spread of the disease.
“You can’t resolve it with the distribution of condoms,” the pope told reporters aboard the Alitalia plane headed to Yaounde, Cameroon, where he will begin a seven-day pilgrimage on the continent. “On the contrary, it increases the problem.”

Yeah, so I can either have sex, or wear a condom and get AIDS. Wear a condom…and GET AIDS. Does that mean that NOT wearing condoms will protect me? Will this change the entire landscape of safe sex?

Will I be with my girlfriend, and she’ll ask, “Do you have a condom?”
I’ll say, “No.”
She’ll say, “Thank GOD, those things are dangerous.”

It basically destroys everything we ever thought about safe sex and condoms. I also like that he specifically states-and remember, this is THE MOTHER FUCKING POPE-that you cannot resolve AIDS with the distribution of condoms, and that on the contrary, it INCREASES the problem. Yes, the pope said condoms INCREASE the problem of contracting AIDS. I don’t say certain things, even being an Atheist and having no real respect for the church or religion at ALL, but I had an uncle who died of AIDS because he didn’t wear a condom, so for those of you who ARE religious, please please PLEASE do not read on, you have been warned.

Pope Benedict XVI…FUCK YOU.

m@rk