I have compiled a list of phrases in which animals are present, and a lot did NOT make the list, but these are the ones I have the most problems with:
THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM-How the hell does this one even work? People say “It’d be like ignoring the elephant in the room”. First off, how’s an elephant even get IN the room, and second, how would you IGNORE that? Be pretty fuckin’ hard, don’t you think?
“Honey, I can’t get my car out of the garage again, fuckin’ elephant!”
Plus, just on a related note, why’s it an elephant? I’m pretty sure there’s some other ones you could use that are just as huge or bigger than an elephant. Like, a 747? You couldn’t ignore it like the 747 in the room.
FROG IN YOUR THROAT-I have two problems with this. The first being, what’s it even MEAN? I’ve been told I sound like I have a frog in my throat when I’m sick. I don’t know what that means. I open my mouth but I don’t croak. The second problem I have is more of a question, and that’s if it sounds like you have a frog in your throat, what’s it sound like when a FROG is sick? What’s in HIS throat?
FEELING CLAMMY-Another one to along with feeling sick. People will feel your forehead and say you’re feeling clammy. What’s that even MEAN? I feel like a crustacean? All hard and crusty and possibly delicious if you cracked me open and scooped out my insides? Maybe you’ll even find a pearl.
EATS LIKE A HORSE-Sometimes if you eat too much too fast, people will tell you that you eat like a horse. But if I was eating like a horse, wouldn’t that also entail me to stand on four legs, neigh periodically and have gigantic teeth?
EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORM-This has never motivated anyone EVER. In the history of time. And, if the early bird gets the worm, what does the early WORM get? And what does a LATE bird get? The roach? It’s supposed to make you get up and moving. I have a few ways to do that to a person. How about smacking them with a golf club a few dozen times? WHILE yelling that! Pretty sure THAT’LL get them up and moving.
SELL YOU TO THE MONKEY HOUSE-This is stupid. It actually has a second one which says “stop monkeying around” which is a lot like “horse play” but I’ve never seen horses ever play. I’ve never seen two mares sit down to a friendly game of checkers. But to tell a kid you’re going to sell them to the monkey house, wouldn’t that excite a kid and only make them do MORE stuff? I know that’s what it’d do to ME!
I’LL BE A MONKEYS UNCLE-I have one question for this…is this a self insulting phrase?
I’M DOG TIRED-Dog tired is a stupid fucking phrase. Dogs pretty much lay around all day as it IS, so how can they ever be tired? Secondly, I’m pretty sure everyone gets just as the same amount of tiredness as dogs do.
HE WAS A CAT BURGLAR-A cat burglar broke into my house. I now have no cats.
Anymore to add, just leave ‘em in the comments.
m@rk
