I bought a pack of Trojan condoms a while ago.
I was cleaning out a drawer in my room earlier today when I came across them again and on the back it has a caution label. On the caution label, it says, “Trojan brand latex condoms, when used properly, may help reduce the risk of catching or spreading many Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDS) such as Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Chlamydia Infections, Genital Herpes, and AIDS; however, they cannot eliminate the risk. For maximum benefits, it is important to follow the instructions for use printed on the inner side of this package. Failure to do so may result in the loss of a condom.”
Yeah, catch that? Let me run that by you one more time.
“FAILURE TO DO SO MAY RESULT IN THE LOSS OF A CONDOM.”
Now is it just me, or shouldn’t that fucking say, “Failure to do so will result in YOU GETTING AIDS AND FUCKING DYING?!” I’m sorry, but it shouldn’t be the loss of a condom, it should be the GAIN of other things! Pregnancy and STDS! Not the loss of a fucking condom! By the way, it also says, “Highly effective against pregnancy.” Great! Just what I want! Something that’s not TOTALLY EFFECTIVE! WHAT THE FUCK?! The other one I LOVE, is underneath THAT it says, “Caution: This product contains natural rubber latex which may cause allergic reactions” and “Avoid exposure to direct sunlight or storage for prolonged periods at temperatures above 100F.”
First off, when is there ever going to be a time when I’m in temperatures of 100F where I’m FUCKING?! Am I going to be with my girlfriend as our apartment burns down and we’re screaming for help and I just go, “Hey, now would be a GREAT time to have FUCKING SEX!” Secondly, That’s wonderful, they invented something that can prevent deadly things, BUT CAUSE DEATH ANYWAY. Some people may not read the warning label, most probably won’t, so if they have an allergic reaction it’s like well good job, you didn’t get pregnant! YOU JUST FUCKING DIED.
It’s like being in a car wearing seatbelts! People always say to me, “Oh, wear your seatbelt because it COULD save your life!” COULD being the specific word there. Also it could save my life, yes, if we’re involved in a minor accident where I am jolted forward. BUT I’M PRETTY GOD DAMNED SURE A SEATBELT ISN’T GOING TO SAVE MY LIFE IF WE GET STALLED ON TRAIN TRACKS AND CRUSHED.
“Thank god this man was wearing his seatbelt, the elasticity on it prevented the train from going any further, it caught and just bounced back!”
Wonderful. It’s nice to know that even the things we create to save our lives CAN FUCKING KILL US.
m@rk
