I would love to think that there are SO many practical uses for St. Bernards that nobody EVER thinks about!
For instance, when there’s a party in a place with a lot of snow (IE: Alaska, Greenland, Canada, those sorts of places) do they even have a keg, or do they just rent out a St. Bernard to sit in the corner of the room for an entire evening, and having his barrel be constantly refilled? This is the kind of shit I think about when I’m sitting home alone and there’s nothing on TV. There are plenty of practical uses for a St. Bernard that no one ever thinks about. Another one would be having a St. Bernard in your house just so you never lose anything of major importance. Credit cards, car keys, shit like that. Only problem with this one is that if he gets out of the backyard and runs away, someone could steal all your money AND your car, AND YOUR DOG!
A Saint Bernard could also be a refiller for a gas tank. Just keep him in the back of your car everywhere you go, and when you suddenly run out of gas one day on a road in the middle of buttfuck nowhere staring down a PMSing grizzly bear with an AK47, you’ll have a full tank of gas right in your back seat! Now, let me explain something here, the history of the reason for this dog and their barrel, for those of you who don’t know. The idea a St. Bernard is quite easy to grasp. Their barrels were filled with first aid kits so that if someone in the snow or the desert or in combat or something was to fall, this dog could find them and they could get better. There’s a few problems with this idea though, and I can prove it with my usual flawless logic.
First of all, where in the FUCK are you going to be in combat where there’s going to be a FUCKING SAINT BERNARD?! I am going to say a sentence that I guarantee you nobody ever said in Vietnam: “DAN! I’M DOWN! MY LEG IS SHOT OPEN, MY INTESTINES ARE HANGING OUT, I’M MISSING TWO OF MY THREE TESTICLES AND I’M GOING BALD! GET THE ST. BERNARD! I NEED A BANDAID!”
The other problem with this is what if the guy the dog finds in the middle of the fuckin’ artic wasteland has lost both his arms in a desperate fight with a hungry snow leopard? How the FUCK is this person supposed to apply their own bandages?! See, nobody thinks like I do, except one man, and that’s the going to be friday’s topic.
As for one last practical use of a St. Bernard; Cocaine. Why has nobody tried to smuggle cocaine in a St. Bernard’s barrel? Am i the only fucking person who’s ever THOUGHT of this? See the problem with these drug dealers is they can supply it, but they can’t find a way to GET it there! If it’s by plane they stick it in a doll, by boat they can pretend it’s sugar. To get cocaine inside of prisons, they tell you to SMUGGLE IT UP YOUR ASS. Fuck YOU, I’m using the dog! My ass does not let ANYTHING inside it, that’s the reason you shit OUTWARDS! You aren’t supposed to stick stuff UP your ass, it’s why we called going to the bathroom taking a DUMP! Because we’re TAKING SOMETHING OUT AND LEAVING IT! Same reason behind the term “dumping” when you break up with someone, you LEAVE them BEHIND!
So yes, there are many practical uses for a St. Bernard. Here’s an idea for humanity, one that most probably haven’t heard of when it comes to stuff like this:
GET FUCKIN’ ORIGINAL.
m@rk
