Time Machine

I wish I had a time machine.

Everyone says that if they had a time machine, they’d go back in time and they’d try and stop assassinations, 9/11 and shit like that. Not me, I’d just use it to fuck around with people. Like, wouldn’t it be fun to screw with someone who has Alzheimers with a time machine? You can out like, 5 of yourself in the same room and try and discuss different topics, getting the person to forget half of one and pick up on another. Skitzophrenics also, that would scare the SHIT out of them.

I guess I would use it to maybe screw around with history, you know, have a little fun with the past. Like, I’d go back to the Trojan Horse and hit it with a bat pretending it’s a pinata. Or maybe go to like, witch burnings and Joan of Arc with a lawn chair and a bowl of popcorn and a soda. Fantastic. Or how about this, the ultimate. Use it for your own nefarious purposes. Say one christmas morning your brother gets the Nintendo you’ve wanted forever, and you are PISSED because all you’ve got is a tee-shirt with a cutesy saying on it. You think about how you can’t wait to change the future.

You work for years and years, grow up, go to a tech trade school, earn a engineering degree, go into physics, earn a nobel prize, your family is so proud of you, women are throwing themselves at you, you are so rich, everything is well. But while all this is going on, you’re building a time machine in secret, going through a lot of painful studies. There’s not that many of them but they REALLY hurt. You think of all the possibilities now, you think about how great it would be to be able to change the past, save killed presidents and stop national disasters, and all the fame and glory that would bring.

You start plotting what you’re going to do and for a few weeks, you think of how much you could help the world. Then one night, the girl you actually love breaks your heart, your parents die in a housefire and you catch Syphilis; JUST FOR THE SAKE OF ARGUMENT. You get depressed, so you get super drunk and you use your time machine to go back to a bar. You get back to the bar and you beat the SHIT out of this guy who is hitting on some woman. While you’re killing him, you find yourself screaming, “THIS IS FOR NOT GETTING ME THE NINTENDO, YOU SON OF A BITCH!”

Your brother is never born, you get the Nintendo, and because of these change in events, Hitler becomes ruler of the world and Mexicans are now in charge of global economy. Everyone in the world is gay, and you’re born with 3 arms.

See the consequences fuckin’ around with the past can bring?

Remember, travel though time wisely. You can’t just be time traveling all willy nilly. However, if you’ve never traveled through time all willy nilly, I REALLY suggest you try it. It’s QUITE enjoyable.

m@rk