Well, a little while ago, I wrote about how NASA was going to fire a rocket at the moon. You can read about that here. Well apparently-according to this article-they actually did find a substantial amount of water on the moon, which indicates that people could start colonizing it one day.

Fantastic. Just what the universe needs. Mankind to live in space. I can’t wait until we start to populate other planets. You know the main reason behind this, don’t you? We know we fucked this planet up so much and used all it’s resources in such a short amount of time, we’re searching for a whole new place to go to and then maybe hoping that within 5 planets we’ll SOMEHOW get it right along the way. We can start colonizing deep space, it’ll be wonderful. Colonize deep space with our microwave burritos and our light up pens and our funny license plates. Can’t you just sense extraterrestrials being SO EAGER for US to show up? Listen, we shouldn’t move onto one planet just because we’ve possibly fucked on one already. History repeats itself, and being that nobody-except historians ironically enough-looks BACK at history, it will CONTINUE to repeat itself until we kil ourselves. All that’s going to happen if we move to the Moon is that we’ll ruin that planet and piss off a whole lot of aliens.

But what’s the alternative? What’s the alternative to colonizing deep space? Or moving to other planets? We can’t fix the planet, apparently, it’s too far gone, and moving to the moon would certainly help our over globalization issue. So what’s the alternative? There really is none. We’re a failed species folks. We’re a failed species, plain and simple. Each species has failed at some point. All we really are is an experiment. An experiment until the universe gets it right. The only reason we’ve even been able to survive THIS long is that we’ve adapted. But really, all we truly are, is a continuation of the dinosaurs. We’re just an extra link, an extra chain. We’re not anymore special than they were. We just like to believe that we were. Here’s what we do, because as usual, I have solved this problem: We let NASA go to the moon first, and to other planets as well and begin to construction, then we weed out the worst possible candidates. We weed out the drug dealers, the alcoholics, the pedophiles, the rapists, murderers, guys who drive SUVS, smokers and men from the south. Then we let THEM stay on Earth while we go build a new civilization and let THEM rot here. Let them have this planet. Ultimately, we are not going to survive, and this isn’t because we suck either. There’s some honesty to that statement. THE SUN WILL GO OUT ONE DAY. We really ARE fucked. We’re not trying to continue the species, we’re trying to prolong the dying.

And really, if I could have the choice of going up into the Moon, I’d decide against it. I’d decide against it. Sure, it’d be a utopian society and everyone would be clean, industrious and helpful and everything would be peachy keen, but you know why I’d stay HERE? With all the misfits? Because those are THE FUN PEOPLE.

m@rk

My mother told me yesterday that a boy who has a good relationship with his mother will be a good husband, and a girl who has a good relationship with her father will be a good wife and together they’d make a good couple. She said I was lucky I grew up without a father and that I instead grew up with her. First of all, let’s get one fucking thing straight, ok? We need to stop these couples who break up when they have kids. I’m sick of these people who get divorced over “irreconcilable differences”. What’s that even mean? You thought the TV looked good in one place and she didn’t and therefore she’s an evil bitch and you want out? Fuck that shit. FIX YOUR PROBLEMS. The only reason a lot of couples don’t make it through issues-especially these young married couples-is because that eventually they realize they have issues but they don’t talk about them. They NEVER talk about them. I ask my girlfriend serious things because I WANT us to talk about them, rather than push them down and deny they’re there like your sons budding homosexuality. Or fullblown homosexuality! And a little off topic here for a second; I’ve coined a new homosexual term for gay men, it’s called being a Farmer. Because you’re always tending to a cock.

My point is this “irreconcilable differences” thing is pure and utter bullshit. You shouldn’t be ashamed or think you’ll be looked at weird if you start doing family or couple therapy. Fuck, MILLIONS of people do it! Think about it like this. How weird can you be honestly if you do couple therapy? You can’t think you’re the only ones out there doing couple therapy BECAUSE THEY DON’T MAKE A WHOLE FUCKING FIELD AND CAREER FOR JUST TWO PEOPLE! Alright? Glad we got that settled. Secondly, you need to get your shit fixed for a number of different reasons. I mean who wants to honestly break up and have THAT as their reason? I mean if it was something along the lines of “Tom and Kate are breaking up because Tom chased Kate with a hacksaw claiming he was only doing it for love” then sure, that would work. That’s acceptable. Beating or anything like that, that’s an acceptable reason. The second reason is pure and simple: THE KIDS. Now, the kids get shit on in EVERY DIVORCE EVER. You ever notice that? They say, “It’s not your fault Timmy. It’s not your fault that daddy beats mommy with a golf club every night, goes out, gets shitfaced drunk and goes and defiles a painting of Jesus then comes home and rapes your 2 year old sister, it’s not your fault.”

The couple proceeds to argue over who gets what kid for which holiday and stupid bullshit like that, but here’s the thing you have to know. Once you’re an adult, YOU’RE and adult. Here’s the more important thing you have to know. Once you’re a PARENT, you’re a FUCKING PARENT. You have taken the duty of raising a child. A blank slate. They need to be filled with you’re knowledge of how to be a person in society and life. How to survive. How the FUCK is THAT going to happen if you aren’t even around?! You need to be there to take pride if they become a future rapist, or a future murderer or a future….accountant. I don’t know. Some people like breaking bones and hymens, others like breaking numbers, just depends on your interests. I like Michael Jackson, but even HE said “I’m just a kid! I’ve just got the innocent soul of a kid!” These people have Pete Pan Syndrome, where-in they believe that they will never grow up. Listen, I don’t care WHAT the fuck you got, alright? Once you have kids, IT’S TIME TO START ACTING LIKE A FUCKING ADULT. You’ve brought life into this world, ok? Screaming, disgusting, pooping life. Man up. Own up. The JIG is up, it’s time to GROW THE FUCK UP.

Personally, you need both your parents I think, because you need both those halves. You get raised by just your father and you become a murderer, you get raised by just your MOTHER and you become a giant pussy. It’s that mix that you need, so you can WANT to be a rapist, but just not have the confidence in yourself to go through with it. It’s important to get that mix. It’s why most killers come from BROKEN HOMES or most gang members come from BROKEN FAMILIES. You need that mix. Personally, if I HAD to pick one, I’d rather be a giant pussy. My reasoning? Well, you won’t go to prison, and come on, killing people has GOT to get boring and repetative over time. Think about it. Once you’re an adult and a parent, the fun time is over. Life begins. And THAT my friends, is a fact.

m@rk

My name is Mark Wiland. I am a journalist, right on the cutting edge, a bit avant-garde but mostly old school. I’ve got a lifestyle that includes being overzealous, overindulging, understated, incomprehensible, underrated, misunderstood, overlooked, under appreciated and constantly misinformed and misinterpreted. I go to a lower class school in the upper east side of a small suburban neighborhood. My interests are constantly changing, rearranging, and my goals are often reorganized while being over the top, even though I stay under the radar.

I’m a middle class citizen living in a middle class neighborhood in a lower class economy with the higher thinking individuals. I’ve founded my own self run, self sustained, film company to make movies that go unnoticed, unappreciated, left in the dark and labeled “indie”. I’ve got no self esteem, I’ve got a bit of a moral compass and it’s always pointed towards compassion, but constantly strays towards wrong doing. Often to myself. I do not believe in self motivation, self harm, being selfish, or any self congratulatory bullshit of ANY kind. I’ve got a girlfriend who looks like a boyfriend that you had in february of last year. It’s not confidential, and we’ve both got potential. I want to drive recklessly but instead follow the rules, finding it insane that we have traffic laws and rules on something called a FREEway. I live under an overpass and have to downshift when going over the highway. My family is moderately irritating, constantly needy and aggressively dull. See what I mean? Everything is constantly changing and such. We have no simple words anymore. Everything is now longer to describe what’s “wrong” with us. For example, there’s no more fat people, now they’re all overweight or obese. It’s because they can’t stop overeating because they have an eating disorder, are depressed, feeling blue, or unhappy. When I was a kid, someone was fat and sad. I mean you have to describe yourself in the most insane ways now too. Nobody’s sad, they’re depressed. Nobody’s fat, they’re overweight. Nobody’s stupid, they have a LEARNING DISORDER.

I cannot explain my love for words.

m@rk

I was looking for a fan page for Janeane Garofalo on Facebook a couple minutes ago and I found a group called “Americans Against Jeaneane Garofalo”. This is what it said in their “about” statement on the sidebar:

“Recently I saw the extreme left wing anti American (in my opinion) Janeane Garofalo running her mouth on the news against the demonstrators at the tea parties across America on April 15th. She spoke heavily against these people and stated that they were all Redneck Racists. Apparently an American speaking against the current administration is automatically a racist. well I will not stand for this. This group is designed for people to speak out against people (mainly celebrities who think they are political figures) who run their mouths and spew stupid utterances. Say what you want.”

You want me to say what I want, Joe Dumbass? Alrighty then, let the madness begin. I have come up with a new term for these people. They’re what I call “Ultimate Americans”. These are the people who think that anyone who says anything bad about America is automatically a racist or a bad person or unamerican or antiamerican or just a plain fucking idiot. Their entire platform is based around the idea of “Freedom of speech for all, unless it’s AGAINST us”. You ever notice that? That these Ultimate Americans are all for freedom of speech as long as it’s not used AGAINST them? The first word to be said, the person to cast the first stone against America is automatically labeled a bad person. If the Government didn’t want us saying bad things about them, they’d remove the ammendment. Apparently, they DO want people to have free speech and to voice their opinions. Voicing opinions is what makes the country grow. It allows other people to think new things and get others interested in that way of thinking, even if that IS a bit of a dangerous position.

But these Ultimate Americans are the ones who are idiots. They’re the people who think the Army is an amazing thing, they’re the ones who think everyone should have a flag hanging outside their homes. These Ultimate Americans are the ones against freedom of speech! They’re against things CHANGING. The world is changing, you can’t fight it, you HAVE to change with it, unless you want to look like a complete and total douchebag and I don’t know about YOU, but I don’t want to look like a total bag of douche. This guy claims that she’s against America because she said something bad about our current Government? Well you know what. I agree. Obama HASN’T been doing that great of a job. Does that make me racist? Just because someone says “Well Gerald, that black guy, from accounting isn’t doing a good job, we’re going to have to let him go” doesn’t make them racist, it means Gerald from accounting ISN’T DOING A GOOD FUCKING JOB! It doesn’t make someone racist to speak out against Obama, it makes OPINIONATED. It makes them a free thinker. It means they have thoughts and feelings that they think are worth hearing.

I’m sick of these Ultimate America bastards. These people who still live behind the idea of “A car in every garage and a chicken in every pot.” I’m sick of these people who think the army is the best thing to ever happen to this country. Excuse me Mr. and Mrs. Anti-Opinion, the Army is probably the WORST thing to happen to this country. I hate the god damned marine commercials that say “There’s strong…and then there’s Army Strong”. There’s no difference! Strong is strong, ok!? If you’ve looked at any fucking thing the army has done in the past until now, you will find out that POW’S and people used in our OWN country in our OWN army has test subjects and what have you who were told they were taken care of are NOT taken care of. They claim to be make you into a hero, but you can be a hero just by sending 5 cents every week to a kid in Africa who has no shoes and no food. A hero has a fluctuating definition, alright? The more you talk to these Ultimate Americans and these Army people about war and hostages and 9/11, the more you realize that murder is NEGOTIABLE. It’s negotiable. It depends on who’s killing and who’s getting killed.

Ultimately, these Ultimate Americans are the ones who say you have rights. Rights are a state of mind, alright? They don’t exist. Have you ever SEEN a right? I don’t know what they look like. I’ve only seen them written in word and just because it’s written in word doesn’t make it existing. Narnia’s only written in word. Rights don’t exist, and if rights DO exist, then they fall under the same category as “opinions” and “freedom of speech”. For instance, it’s either “you can say anything” in this country or “you can say NOTHING” in this country. Same with rights. Example. I think I have the right to say anything I want in this country and about this country. However, I also believe that if you don’t like what I’ve said about this country, that you have the right to KILL ME. So where’s a fairer fuckin’ deal than THAT?

m@rk

Have you ever had someone telling you a hypothetical situation and during it the phrase “What if your life depended on it?!” came up?

Like a lot of times you hear it in school. Like you’re a student and you’re having trouble with math and you talk to your teacher after class. You ask her, “Miss Wormwood? I’m having trouble with math, I don’t think I can learn this.”
She replies with, “But Billy, you HAVE to! What if your life DEPENDED on it?!”

I’m sorry, but is there EVER going to be a moment in my life where fractions may save me from impending doom? Am I going to be on a de-railing train at some point and have to think “Ok, there’s only 4 exits and 32 people, there’s only 7 seconds left, how many people have to fit through these doors in order to get them all out on time before the train blows up?” NO! That’s never gonna happen! It’s just like people who say “It’s a matter of life in death” in a complete and absolute non life or death situation. The only time you should be using either of these is if you’re held up at gun point, and call your friend and say, “You need to get here with this amount of money NOW, it’s a matter of life and death, and my life depends on it!”

A matter of life and death. Give me a break. People say these things at the most stupid time too, don’t they? They’ll be in the office and suddenly they look up at the clock and realize “OH MY GOD, IT’S 7:27, I’M NOT GOING TO BE HOME FOR THE PRICE IS RIGHT!” and they call up their wife and say, “HONEY, RECORD IT, IT’S A MATTER OF LIFE AND DEATH!” What if the guy misses it, is his head going to explode? I hate people who use the wrong phrases at the wrong times. Like that same guy goes into work on Monday after having been seriously ill and not completed the important report for that board meeting that afternoon. He tells his friend Jim, “Man, I am SO dead.”

Is he going to walk into that meeting room and be murdered? His boss will be like, “HENDERSON! WHERE IS THAT REPORT?”
“I’m sorry sir, I couldn’t finish it, my appendix burst and-”
“I DON’T WANT YOUR EXCUSES, YOU KNOW HOW IMPORTANT THAT REPORT WAS! WE MADE A DEAL! MEN, TAKE HENDERSONS SOUL AND HEART FROM HIM!”

I REALLY doubt that’s going to happen. I know this post has been a little more comedy based than usual, but sometimes I need to do one of those to juggle the extremely dark and serious posts with some light comedy. It has to be done.

It’s a matter of life and death.

m@rk